What happens when you dare God?

It is no secret that my wife has been struggling these past few years, but nothing like these past few months. That being said, most don't know with what exactly: Agoraphobia, DPD Disorder, Health Anxiety, Insomnia, and dangerous, dark thoughts.

What happens when you have been through multiple programs, learned all the methods, tried all the supplements, medication makes the anxiety worse, and to top it off, you are starting to lose control of your thoughts and senses from lack of sleep?

What do you do when you are mad at God but are also begging Him to help you?

It is a terrifying thing when the love of your life looks at you and says I want this to stop so bad I would rather not be here. This week has tested our faith more than any week of our lives to date. My wife is in this new program that we both believe God has pushed us towards, and the methods they are teaching are amazing (we will post about this soon, but for now, back to it), but she was so mad at God for not answering her prayers to save her that she couldn't focus on the exercises that start with us submitting and praising God. Sounds like a vicious cycle, right? You are hating the answer you want and need (trust in God); it sounds crazy, but it is more common than you think.

Today, we paused halfway through the homework they gave her and had a conversation about submission and faith. What does it mean to submit to God and have faith that He really is working in our lives? What does that look like? How do you do it?

These are the questions we discussed, and let me tell you, the answer sounds easier than it is. Genuinely, you just do it. All Jade wanted to do was hear God; she was listening, she swore it, and all she was doing was praying to God. See here was the problem, she was so busy praying for God to answer her and fix her the way she was expecting she wasn't able to hear what God was already telling her.

See, VBS (Vacation Bible School) was starting today, and more than anything, she wanted our baby boy to be able to go play with the other kids and be involved in learning about God. But how could we take Keanu to this? She was too afraid to leave the house and too afraid to be without me. She asked me a question that took me by surprise, "Babe, should we just go to VBS?". Listen, when the thought of walking out the door is enough to send someone into a spiral of panic, that is the last thing you expect them to say.

"Well, that is a decision only you can make.", I said. I told her the question was so unlike what she had been saying, I couldn't help but feel that God may be pushing her to go, and it turned out the thought pressing her to go had been on her mind all day. Here is where it gets fun - earlier in the day, part of those exercises and prayers we do, Jade told God that she was mad at him and asked if He really was helping her to prove it. Enter the need to go to VBS.

So 5:30 PM rolls around, and we are dressed and walking out the door. Into the car we go, we are talking, singing praise songs, and all of a sudden, we are in the church parking lot. We haven't left the house in two weeks. My wife burst into tears, and my heart sank. As I prepared to turn around, I asked her why she was crying. She looks at me and says, "I didn't think I would make it this far, I am just so happy". She hops out of the car, grabs our son, and walks into church. Despite her legs shaking and the beads of sweat dripping off her, she made more progress in 20 minutes than we had in 4 months. We stayed for a whole hour around people, singing, playing, and walking around.

She dared God, and He said fine - watch this! When we fully surrender and let him lead the way HE wants to lead amazing things happen. Suddenly, she had hope, crying with laughter, a smile so big her cheeks cramped, she wanted to go out to pick up food, and is talking about future events that previously caused panic at the mere mention of them.

I couldn't help but cry and thank God for showing her, for answering her prayer, for her listening to His answer. God will work, and He speaks to us, but it requires us to let go fully. Let go of our expectations, wants, desires, fears, all of it. She stood at the edge of a decision that felt like stepping out into raging waters as God said walk to me. Instead of staying in the boat with the fear, she had a mustard seed of faith and stepped out of the boat, letting go of her wants and desires, saying, "I just want to make it through - I don't care how you do it anymore, God."

Friends, let me tell you, the hard days are not behind us, nor are the sleepless nights. BUT, there is a new strength in her eyes, one that burns with faith and hope in God. My little light is burning again.

I Dare You God...